I couldn’t help but wonder … Will it ever be enough?

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kay, I stole the titel from my favourite Mrs. Bradshaw, but the thoughts are all mine. I have indeed been thinking and digging a little deeper into my brain lately. I read a column, not Carries, but another one where the writer said something between the lines ‘Do you remember dreaming about something, and it came true? And immediately after it came true, you found a new dream, a goal, or an achievement? It made me think, is it ever enough? Or should we remember those dreams that just came true and enjoy them, take it all in, and remember why we wished for it … Just for a little longer?’. Hear, hear! I am one of those girls that dreamt of working with creativity, I had goals of traveling the world, wanting to loose weight, hoping to find a guy whom wanted to marry me, and most of all study and learn from the fashion industry. All those things came true, in fact I am living that life right now … But am I sincerely enjoying it? Or am I just passing by, forgetting this moment, because I am eager to get to the next? Sadly, I believe I am number two. But hopefully I will be able  to change that – cause it should be enough!

We are constantly searching for our own identity ‘Who am I?’, ‘What do I want to be?’, ‘How do I want people to see me?’, ‘Why am I not being seen?’, ‘What is my future plan?’, and ‘When will my dreams come true?’. We try and try to be the best versions of ourselves, and through that we somehow forget that it is a process, and that it can’t be achieved overnight. As a child I thought that I would have a career, be a mom, married, and have a mature lifestyle all together when I turned 25. I am turning 25 in less than two months – and my oh my, was I wrong. Alright, I am signing, sealing and delivering the marriage part next year (April 6th to be precise), but the rest of it, I am still trying to figure out. When I was a young teenager I dreamt of being a writer, having people read my words and tell me what they thought of them – that dream did indeed come true, but it still wasn’t enough for me. I worked full-time for ELLE, writing stories and telling others stories, and even though it was my dream job, I constantly thought deep down where no-one could hear me that ‘This is great, it’s a dream, but I have to evolve – I need a five year plan’. After ELLE, I wanted to work with the clothes part in the fashion world and applied to London College of Style, not thinking I would get in, because why would I? A month later I was accepted, and even though I was able to now tjek it off my ‘to do’ list, I kept thinking ‘What about all the other goals, when should I plan to achieve them?’. And now five months later, we are here – in London, studying fashion, and yet my mind is somewhere else when I have a spare moment to think – those thoughts ‘Where can I work after this is over?’ is taking up so much space, that I am almost lying sleepless at night thinking about it. So now I am starting to question myself, do I ever actually live in the moment?

I believe that I am not the only one thinking ahead of time. It is a human thing, we plan and we plan, because we want a secure life, have the things we want, be happy, yet still challenged, and we want everything all at once, though we like working for it – working for that raise, or that compliment, or that better job. We want the best of both worlds. We are taught to want the best of the best, and always look ahead, never back, but often we forget to just be here in the now. I am there in my own life where I actually don’t know what or who I completely want to be, and I think it stresses me more then I would like to admit. I am here, in this beautiful city, becoming an stylist, working with and learning from some amazing people, and I still don’t have any idea of what I want to do. Perhaps that’s why I just keep having goals, those annoying dreams that sometimes make me forget to live my life, because it’s easier to have dreams about the future, then being where I am right now; a little lost and perhaps scared of not being in control.

I have never been in full control, somehow I always end up moving, and leaving places that take me to somewhere new, places where I have to start all over again. I always tell myself ‘You have two options Rebecca; one, you can cry and be that girl who never sees the beauty in life. Or two, you can get the most out of it’. I always choose number two. And that’s what confuses me, because when I move to a new city I always try to enjoy it, due to the fact that I never know when it’s over, I could be moving again tomorrow. But when it comes to everything else, I just continue going and never stop fully up to inhale and take it all in. We all do it at some point, right? We all know that one person who can never be skinny or healthy enough? That girl who can never be super proud of her grades – because she had one B, on one of her tests. That friend that never has time for coffee cause she is so busy getting a promotion from her job. That other friend who is always searching for a partner because she doesn’t want to be alone, and in her mind time is ticking ‘Our eggs die, you do know that, right Rebecca?’. We are all of those women. We all have had those ‘time is ticking, I am not where I want to be’ moments. But what we honestly forget is, that so many of our dreams and goals are already ticked off, we were just too busy finding new ones that we never knew our own amazing achievements.

I want to be happy about all my past dreams that I managed to get, those ones that I forgot I had, because I made them come true. Maybe it’s our busy lifestyle, the FOMO, that we are so scared of missing out, that we forget to be there in the moment. I do it often, and don’t tell me you haven’t done this as well! When you are at a dinner with some friends, and you find yourself  taking pictures of the food and being so busy seeing what your other friends are doing that exact same friday night, that you forget that you are at a place with other people. We have all had one of those episodes. And we have all been one of the other friends, who got annoyed at the friend who was only on their phone. It is a weird thing. We have to be better at being happy for doing what we do right now, and what made us get to that place. I don’t want to take my three months in London for granted. Or the fact that I indeed am getting married even though those ‘other’ unrealistic goals didn’t happen before I was 25. I want to stop stressing about where I am going next, and just be. After all, you can’t plan life, it just happens … So ‘Carrie’ on living in the moment.

 

 

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